Martians or Magic?
by TheLlamaArmada628
Summary: AU. Supernaturalist Alice Kirkland and extraterrestrialist Alfred Jones solve international X-Files for the UN, but will they ever come to an agreement? Martians or magic? Starring Stalker!Francis, Missing!Matthew, Boss!Alistair, Hunter!Vargas brothers, and a whole bunch of crazy situations!
1. Oppan DeadArms Style

**Hey guys! I had this idea while rewatching X-files and Supernatural, it's loosely based off of them. Just putting this out there to see if you guys like, if you do, please do review! Alright Fem!EnglandXAmerica mainly, my first USUK fanfic. So sorry if there is any OOCness. Just correct me, if it seems that way. Thx! and I hope you enjoy it!**

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"_AAALFRED!" I heard her yell, no, no, no! Not like this! Not again! I can't lose her too, I won't…_

_BANG!_

"_ALIIIICE!"_

* * *

"Jones get to the point, what do you want?" My boss smoked. _Dude! I've been waiting forever for this, awesome!_

"I want to request a partner!" I grinned happily sitting down.

"A partner, huh? What's wrong with Ivan?" He blew smoke into my face, which I happily waved off.

"Dude! Are you serious right now? I questioned, he grinned. _See! He knows it too!_

"Alright, Jones. I'll see who I can pull." He smiled slightly still and turned in his office chair expecting me to leave.

"I'd like to save you the trouble. After all I am the hero…" I began nervously obviously, but with confidence, since heroes never show any sign of weakness.

"What are you getting at Jones?" He turned back around. _Dude! He's totally pissed now! What do I do?_

"I kind of used Tony to narrow down someone who's qualified." I came out with it and gave him the profile that I printed.

"Alice Kirkland? She's a medical examiner, she'll know nothing about criminal justice system."

"See that's when the hero here looked through her degrees, she majored on the medical side, yeah, but she took several forensic and law enforcement classes."

"Any person could have these degrees, why her?"

"She has an array of unusual and authentic experiences."

"Says here she was a part of an occult and took college level classes about cryptozoology, mythology, and religious studies."

"A bit over qualified, right?" I said eagerly, but he just stared at me.

"Yeah, I'll see what I can do." He sighed.

"Great! I'll get on that case ASAP!" I yelled, leaving to go to my office, when I noticed an envelope taped to my door. I took it off and closed the door behind me as I walked in, throwing the envelope on my desk as I pulled a burger out of my jacket pocket, and bit into to notice it wasn't a burger but a donut. _Strange…I don't remember putting a donut in there, must've been from a long time ago…oh well!_ I ate it THEN pulled out a burger, and ate that before opening the envelope.

I scanned through it and turned it over,_ dude that's just gross…_they were more pictures of the murders, they were a copycat of Jack the Ripper, but this time he didn't take their organs he took different body parts and we'd have it mailed to us exactly four days later. So far only 3 times lips, eyes and an ear. I didn't get the importance of these body parts, but we know the technology that are used to take these body parts are not of this world, because they'd still be working, at first we didn't get it with the ear, but the lips still moved and the eyes still had eye lids which blinked. That's why this case was assigned to this department, pretty cool, huh? I get to be a hero every day, but still…I still haven't gotten a single step to finding Mattie.

I glanced at a picture of us at his first Hockey game, I was more of a football person, but he loved that sport, he felt free I could see it. Anyway after his big championship, which he won, we were sleeping a bright light appeared and he was gone. That's why I begged the boss to let me work as soon as I found out about this secret department, I started by cleaning then worked my way up and when I did I was a considered a protégé, whatever that means, I just like to be called a hero!

* * *

"Alice, I'm reassigning you aru." Director Yao said, as soon as he told me to take a seat.

"But why?! Was I not sufficient enough in my autopsy reports?" I stood, but then caught myself, that wasn't very ladylike or English-like either. "Pardon my outburst, please continue." I waved him on.

"I would keep you if I could, but some higher power is taking you from me. I have no choice aru." He massaged his temples. _Higher power? Interesting…_

"Don't I get a say in this?" I asked, he swallowed two pain reliever capsules without water, then tiredly shook his head with a 'mh-mh'. "What does this job do exactly?"

"I don't know, classified, he said. He said your talents were being wasted with corpses, so he demanded immediately that you are reassigned aru." He slumped over on the desk, I've been at this job since I was 16, and I can't possibly imagine myself anywhere else.

"Well, when do I start?" I asked, brushing my pigtail away from my shoulder.

"In 8 hours, at least that's how long it will take you to get there."

"Why? Is it in Ireland? Europe?" I asked.

"It's in New York…America. They sent me your ticket."

"What?! I don't have a passport how did they_?"

"It's not important, this job sounds important aru, go! Don't be afraid to widen your horizons."

"Thanks Yao." I smiled.

"No getting sappy .Go aru!"

"Yes sir!" I saluted and was whisked away to America. After getting a mysterious text from my new employer, giving me an address and telling me it was an emergency. _Great..._

* * *

I was staring at the building I was supposed to be reassigned to. It was a old college, an old abandoned college, I tip toed to try to glance into the window when the door open.

"Hello, my name is Alice Kirkland." I greeted. "I was sent this address saying that it was important and that I get here at this time, by chance do you know the fellow I'm supposed to meet here?" He was a rather tall fellow, sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, in a brown leather bomber jacket. He stared at me then his eyes glittered…_it didn't know that was actually possible._

"Dude! You're British! Say something else!" He cheered.

"Um…hello?" I tried.

"So awesome! I'm your new partner Alfred F. Jones." He shook my hand excitedly." I was on my way to the crime scene, so I guess you come with." Then he stopped when he noticed my bags. "That is if you want to, I mean, you just got here and_"

"Thanks very much for your concern Mr. Jones, but I should be able to carry out my duties, whatever they may be." Seeing as I still don't know what I have to do… His face lit up and picked up my bags and put them inside the college and came back out with the same energetic smile.

"Cool, this way!" He yelled, this boy has to be just 19, too young I'd think to do anything too strenuous, it's against the law, I would think, since I've just arrived…and a foreigner here. "Alright get on." He stopped suddenly and I bumped into him, being the spaz I am.

"W-wha?" I stuttered. It was a motorcycle! What kind of job is this?!

"What? You've never ridden?" He asked. "Don't worry, so far, I've been in only 2 motorcycle accidents!" He announced holding up two fingers. H-he said that like it was something to be proud about!

"No worries brosephine! Just hang on to me tight and I'll take care of the driving! I am the hero after all! I wouldn't let anything happen to my new partner especially on the first day!" _Wonderful, but how about the second?_

"N-no_ it's not that! I-I'm wearing a skirt is all." I improvised.

"Oh! No problem! Wear these!" He held out some sweat pants, his sweat pants. "I washed them." He seemed really excited for me to go with him so… I slipped on the sweat pants and rolled the pants several times. _And got on…joy…_

* * *

"Hey Alfred, what do we do exactly?" I asked. We had gotten off the motorcycle andwas now walking through the alley's of New York, passing some pretty sketchy characters.

"We take care of the looney cases that no one wants to take care of, but it's pretty fun, we save the world with each case solved!" He stated, seeming more calm now.

"Like what kind of looney cases?"

"Well, right now we're trying to catch a Jack the Ripper copycat."

"A copycat? You mean he's taking organs out of prostitutes?" I asked, this original murder did happen in my homeland, I know quite a bit about it myself, along with the conspiracies built around it.

"Yep. Well, no. He's taking bodyparts in general. He took an eye, ear, and lips." I winced, poor chaps.

"And now a pair of arms." He sighed stopping as I walked on.

"What makes you say tha_Oh my lord!" I almost ran into it, a pair of amputated arms sown together to give a crossed appearance.

Alfred sighed, he didn't seem to suprised, in fact a bit stoic, he had his hands in his pockets, no it wasn't stoic, it was just a poker face. He kicked the arms.

"Alfred!" I scolded him. He ignored me and kicked it again. "That's no_AH!" The pair of arms moved, struggling to break the stitches.

"Yup! I totally knew it! They're alive, that's so awesome." He squealed to himself, snapping out of the poker face.

Without thinking I jumped into Alfred's arms.

"W-why i-is it m-moving?!" I studdered.

"I told you we take the looney cases! What were you expecting?" He said, shaking off his amazement to place an unnessicary 'noogie' on my head.

"Psychopathic maniacs or something! Not moving amputated parts!" I screamed burying my face in his chest...wait...his chest? My face heated up as I quickly moved as far as I could from him. What was I thinking?! I barely know this man, yet I'm already treating him like I've known him for months! _Calm yourself Alice! You are a certified medical examiner you see dead things all the time, just think of it that way._ I drew a breath and looked to the arms again flopping around like a fish. _Ugh. I can't do this!_

Alfred picked them up, that's...unsanitary. He held them by the upper arms holding them like garden shears as they flopped up and down.

"Hey Alice!" He called, I turned and he was dancing. "Oppan Gangnam Style!" He danced with a huge smirk, refraining a smile.

_No...just...no...WHAT KIND OF JOB IS THIS?!_

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**Alright! Just review and more chapters will be made! Your wish is my command! Nyways! If your waiting for another 'One hell of a Spring Break' chapter, it's coming soon, so no worries! I just happen to write this one over the break on the back of some mail. Sooo R&R!**


	2. You're not William Wallace!

**Hey guys! As I promised if you review, I'll continue, even if it was only one, I also noticed someone followed and someone else favorited, so _missykim_, _N and S and F_, and _ThatSexyAnge_l, thank you so much, this ones for you! And no _ThatSexyAngel_ it's not a one shot:) Please review if you like!**

**Hetalia=Hidekaz Himeruya=not mine=me wishing it was.**

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"P-put them down!" I hesitantly slapped his arms causing the arms to drop from his dancing grip. "That was someone's arms, you twit! You don't disrespect the dead like that!" I scolded.

"Hm?" He tilted his head sideways. "Oh, she isn't dead! She's in a hospital in the Bronx somewhere." He waved his arms in front of him, in defense.

"If she's alive, maybe we can_" I started, his smiled dropped and his head hung low.

"I know what you're thinking…we can't. Technically, we don't exist and_"

"Its fine, I'm used to the whole 'we don't exist' thing. Forgive me, that was a silly comment, I know my place. So what else has the culprit taken?" I asked casually taking a look at the arms after they stopped flopping, the stitches were done very amateur like, definitely not a doctor, or maybe because the subject was flopping around so much, that putting stitches on it became difficult, if that's so, then some evidence from the culprit such as finger prints or blood, might've been left behind.

"Lips, eyes, ears, and arms. Maybe something to do with the senses?"

"Perhaps but I'm thinking more of an old proverb." I said taking a pen from my front pocket and examining the open end of the arm, the blood seems to have coagulated at a large scale thus, it not spewing blood everywhere and retaining its pigment, kind of, it looks like it's activity is dying down, but I noticed now it was giving me the middle finger, okay, that's personal, this arm has a heart and a brain attached to it, somewhere out there, at that's what I think.

"Uh? What does that have to do with anything? You're not like those old kung fu masters that give you riddles instead of answers, are you? Cause' I'm a dropout and_" I checked for a pulse, I knew the kid was none too bright when it came to certain areas not pertaining to his job, like sensing moods, but _him_, a dropout?

"You dropped out?" I pressed further into the matter. I am going to be working with him from now on.

"Yep. I dropped out my sophomore year after my brother went missing." He shared awkwardly.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"How about you have any siblings?" He said trying to make small talk, unfortunately when you ask a Kirkland that, the answer is never _short_.

"I have 3 by blood and several by adoption, I don't know them all. I know there is my older brother Alistair and Dylan, they're the only ones I grew up with, I have two other brothers too, but they couldn't get along so one lives with his mother and the other with his uncle, they'd visit every once in a while, see all my blood siblings are only half-siblings, my father was had commitment issues, and then after that he travelled and adopted other children, I have no idea, if they're really related to me or not, I've met Peter, Logan, Paulette, and a brother in New Zealand, so I guess I have 3 sisters…" I realized. "So 7 or more siblings."

"That's sad, I only have one brother, and his name is Matthew." I can tell this subject is heavy on his heart, so I tried not to push into it too much.

"Oh, that's a nice and proper name, um…Alfred?"

"Please just call me Al…or the hero." He corrected.

"Yes, okay, how many of us are they're out there?"

"5. At least the ones that take care of Europe and North America, they're 7 in the Asia/ India area, several in the Middle East, and 3 in South America." _Oh wow, that's little._

"Can you name them?"

"Me, you, _Ivan_, Mr. Wallace, and Lars. We tried to spread out our nationalities, I'm American, obviously, your British, Mr. Wallace is from Scottish or Irish, who can tell the difference they both wear kilts." Oh there's a difference all right. "_Ivan_ is a commie, uh, I mean, Russian, and Lars is Hollandish or Dutch, whatever. All areas under our jurisdiction! Oh and your existence was wiped off the face of the planet, and you'll be living in the college with the rest of us until the day you retire, then we'll give you a new identity and send you off to a place under our jurisdiction, so a new or current member can watch over you. Y'see Mr. Wallace is in charge of that right now, he's our boss." He explained excessively.

RING RING RING

"Speaking of!" He opened his phone and spoke nodding and saying 'yeah' every once in a while. "He wants to see us, better get going, he hates it when we're late." He smiled.

"How about the arms?" I pointed.

"We'll have the FBI take care of that. It throws them for loops, and then they'll turn it in to us and give us the case officially."

"How did you know it was here then?" I asked.

"I have feelings when they're something really off, it's an extraterrestrial gift, I've been abducted once or twice and this is what happened." He said earnestly. A gift from aliens, huh? That's peculiar. "Anyways, what about a pronoun?"

"Proverb." I corrected adjusting my glasses. "a Japanese one, I learned it while on a trip to Japan with my friend, Sakura. 'The see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil' one."

"That's doesn't explain the arms." He said jerking his head in the direction of the arms.

"They are usually 3 wise monkeys, Mizaru, the eyes, Kikazaru, the ears, and Iwazaru, the mouth, and there is sometimes the fourth monkey depicted, Shizaru, which is depicted crossing his arms, he represents 'do no evil'."

"So? That means the perp is Asian?" He guessed.

"No, he's just familiarized with it is all, we can't afford to draw those kinds of conclusions."

"That's what Lars always says, I was hoping for more of a chill person for a partner."

"I am 'chill'." The word foreign to my British vocabulary, it's not that we Brits don't say 'chill' just. _I_ don't use the word 'chill'.

"What's the most recent chill thing you've done?" He said snidely leaning forward to see my face.

"I've…watched Doctor Who, while eating gelato." I thought carefully.

"That's relaxing, not being 'chill', like loose on the rules." He said shaking his arms out after finally taking them out of his jacket pocket.

"I joined an occult group when I was 16 and have ascended through the ranks to the co-leader of a still running occult." I blurted out of wanting to win the argument, I really shouldn't have said that.

"Still?" He gasped.

"Yep. All vacations are spent with my brethren." I was just bragging now, if you're going to tell a secret, why not go all out with it? At least that's what I was telling myself, in truth I felt very close to this fellow, trusting, a feeling I haven't felt in a while, even with my brethren.

"What do you do there?" He whispered as if was some huge secret, I stifled laugh.

"Not telling." I said walking ahead.

"Oh, come on, I'll trade a workplace secret for it!" He pleaded.

"Sure, 1 for each detail." I offered, he smiled and took the deal.

"Okay, Mr. Wallace favors me, because he's missing a sibling as well. She ran off when he was a kid, he confided in me that he felt like a dick for treating her like the way he did. It's why he smokes and drinks so much. He says he doesn't look for her because he doesn't want to see her and he says he doesn't want to see her either, but I know that he's been secretly watching over her."

"That's sweet, I guess, this Mr…um, does he have a first name?"

"William. I remember because it's like Mattie's last name." He said matter-of-factly, handing me my helmet.

"His name is William Wallace? From Scotland?" I said raising a brow underneath the helmet.

"Yeah, why you know him?" He said pushing back the kick stand on his motorcycle.

"Please tell me you've seen Braveheart." I sighed, after getting on behind him.

"No, heard it was a great movie though!" He yelled over the repeated revving of his motorcycle and taking off.

We arrived back at the college and my bags were gone!

"My bags!" I frantically looked for them.

"I left them where someone could see it. Captain Commie probably took it to your room. He was supposed to be taking any packages or bags to his room, kind of like the communist crypt keeper of bags. We all have assigned jobs, Lars cleans the bathrooms, I take out the trash, orders food and other supplies, and Ivan takes in the mail, a chick job if you ask me, n-not that there's nothing wrong with being a g-girl or anything…" Note to self, Ivan: Russian that Alfred particularly does not like for some reason.

"Captain Commie?" I questioned.

"Ivan, he wears this stupid Soviet captain hat from his grandfather, he copied me! I freaking wore my grandfather's world war 2 bomber jacket first!" He pouted, space race, I have a feeling your culture means a lot here and that'll have to pull my weight just as much as anyone else, because of the shortage of staff, I mean, an secret agent is supposed to grab bags .

"YO! !" He yelled, we heard banging on the floor above us like someone's stomping on the floor, which he probably was.

We walked upstairs, Alfred first, me following. We walked into the 300's passing by some lab rooms and history decorated rooms. But we stopped in front of a door labeled: Faculty Restroom.

"He's on the crapper." Alfred mouthed barely audible. My eyes went wide this is…unusual.

"Well, are you waiting for an invitation? Report already." A voice said in an annoyed tone.

"Found a pair of live arms that were stitched together, oh, and Alice is here."

"Welcome and all that shit." The voice said half heartedly. "Did the FBI find it yet?"

"Nope, they'll find it eventually." Alfred excitedly reported.

We heard a flush and the sink turn on, and the door opened and a red headed man stepped out with a newspaper in hand.

"Hey Alice," He said casually patting my head with the newspaper."Alfred, call the New York Times and have them cancel any report that's in 30 miles radius of the arms location, you know the usual."

"Oi!" I yelled angrily. "You don't see me for 12 years and all you say to me is 'hey'?!" I yelled, he stopped and turned around after sighing.

"Aye. I've seen plenty of your sorry ass, funded your college too. Oh and if you want to pay that card, then how about this one? You haven't seen me in 12 years, and the first thing you're capable of doing is to bitch at me? That must be a new record." He retorted smugly, then turning on his heels to continue walking.

"You're an arse, you know that?!" I yelled.

"Mh-hm, missed you too Alice." He said sarcastically waving her off with the newspaper, not bothering to turn around or stop walking.

"D-do you know each other?" Alfred asked sheepishly.

"Yeah, he's my older brother." I gritted my teeth. What a wonderful family reunion, right? NO.

"WHAAAAAAT?!"


	3. Tea with Mary Jane

**Hey guys long time no write! Noooo don't hurt me~ I'm tender! Nyways to apologize I'm posting 2 chappies, the first to intro Lars and the other to get a start on the case n Alfred's mysterious power. Enjoy and REVIEW!**

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"Really?!" He gasped.

"Unfortunately, yes." I sighed massaging the bridge of my nose.

"So, on a scale of one to ten, how well can you see without your glasses?" He shifted the subject suddenly.

"Um 2? I lost most of my eyesight when I was 13." I explained.

"Why? What happened?" He said eyeing me.

"Um…It's rather personal…" I tugged at my skirt nervously.

"Oh, that's cool. But someday, you're going to tell me."He proclaimed with a smile.

"Is that so?" I raised a brow, I can't pin a profile on this boy…he's confusing.

"I have that affect on people." He said as if it was a secret.

"You're more conceited than I perceived you to be." I deadpanned walking off in Alistair's direction.

"Nuh-uh, I'm the hero! Hero's are all heroic and stuff!" he explained weakly, running after me.

We talked for a little while longer, when we wandered into a 'Forbidden' hall, so Alfred called it, a hall that looked, well different from all the others, sure the other's were dusty and relatively untouched, but this…this is old, the desk's themselves were outdated, and the lockers were a different color, a rusted red compared to the clean standard issue blue. It's almost as if this hall was stuck in time.

"Yeah this college was pretty famous at one point for the shooting that happened in this hall after that some 'paranormal' activity." He used the quotation fingers.

"You don't believe?" I asked

"In ghosts no, aliens yes." He said smirking at my disbelief.

"Aliens…what a silly notion, after all you've seen doing this job, you still don't?" I turned away, and crossed my arms, why does he insist on staring at me with that smile? It's uncomfortable!

"Nope, those arms, alien experiment." He said cockily.

"I say it has to do with someone switching spiritual plains." I turned swiftly to face him, he looked down on me.

"Challenge accepted." He said.

"Hm?" I asked.

"It means we solve this case, and find out the reason, if I'm right, you have to admit there are no ghosts and you have to pay for my lunch for two weeks." The look on his face says he thinks I'M silly. Well at least my belief is a year old belief with proof, not new generation crack based fiction! What's next? Time Lords? Spock? Please save yourself the embarrassment!

"FINE! If I win, then YOU have to admit YOU were wrong, and you have to be my butler for 2 weeks!" Ooooh! This_This_Yankee! Thinks he's better than me! I'll show him!

"Yo, you feelin okay? You're all red." He asked suddenly.

"Of course, you got me all riled up…I need some tea…" I muttered.

"You're too serious! Lighten up a bit! How about a beer? I don't think we have tea, oh wait! Lars had that one box stashed that he hasn't touched. It's green, so maybe it's green tea, you alright with that?"

"Yes, thank you." I've been in America for only a short while and I was already missing home, how could this have been our colony at one point, and be so different? Every other colony had at least taken some of the culture with them. It seems this country took what they had to from the British and threw the rest out. I mean these are the people that threw perfectly good tea into a harbor…How could they be so close but so far away?

I shook my head, and concentrated on my surroundings, this area was different than the rest. Living quarters probably, there was a strong smell of alcohol and smoke.

"While we're here, this is the commie's room, this is Lars' room, this is 's room, and this is mine!" They had put their flags on their doors, how…patriotic.

"Where do I sleep?" I asked.

"Oh! With me of course!" He stated as if it was obvious. "I am the one that recruited you after all you're my responsibility." He…recruited me? I thought….wait! I'm sharing a room with him?!

"W-what?" Was all I could think to say. That's indecent to say the least…It's not like I have a problem with me rooming with a boy, it's just a stranger, and a co-worker…

"No worries bra, you can have the bed and I'll sleep on my pull out couch, I spend most of my time there anyways playing COD." He said. Cod? Like fish? I had no idea America was so big on fishing…"Oh, this is the kitchen!" it looked relatively untouched as well, despite this being a college this looked like any other home kitchen in fact it looked brand new, like something that would be on the cooking channel. Granite counters, platinum colored appliances, modern kitchen devices, it was a chef's paradise. Maybe…no I better not…this kitchen looks too nice…maybe I'll just stick to scones…no, better not, either.

Alfred went through the very stocked and huge pantry, there were hanging meats and cheeses and pasta, I wonder who cooks here…

"I got it here you go! I'll microwave some water!" He cheered, handing me the box.

"Um…what? You don't have a kettle?" I said uncomfortably, I feel…picky, these things are so common in my country.

"What's that? Like for dogs?" He said tilting his head in confusion.

"What? No, that's a kennel! A kettle is teapot that you can put on the stove, and it whistles."

"I'm not following, but we don't have one, so the microwave will have to do! Don't worry our new cook just cleaned it."

"New cook?" I questioned.

"Yup. He came here begging for a job just this morning, and pretty much stocked the kitchen and made us breakfast, it seems your brother and Lars, know him, I don't." the microwave beeped and Alfred took it out and handed me the piping hot mug.

"What's his name? Maybe I know him. You don't happen to have sugar cubes do you and some milk?" I asked.

"No, only granulated sugar and yeah, I'll get it." It seems America has discarded that as well…I grumbled.

"His name…um it was Mona-soar Boneparte, I think he was a frenchy… I think." That's a strange name…I stirred the tea and poured some milk into it, then sipped a bit. It has a terrible earthy taste, not the normal earthy taste either. Mona-soar….French! Monsieur Bonaparte? Alistair seemed to know him he says, I took a big gulp.

"Oh it was Bonnefoy not Boneparte!" Alfred said in realization. I spewed the rather nasty tea all over the table.

"Excuse my bad manners, it's just you caught me, rather…off guard, you said Bonnefoy, yes?"

"Yep." I slammed my head on the desk things kept getting worse…

"Yo!" A tall man came in his hair was spiky, probably Lars.

"You must be Lars, I'm Alice." I held out my hand after straightening out my clothes.

"Mhm." He grunted in acknowledgement but not shaking my hand, he turned to Alfred. "What was with the noise?" He was a tall man, and his face looked permanently well…intimidating.

"Oh, a family reunion, Mr. Wallace and Alice here are siblings!" He explained excitedly.

"I came here to collect. I was busy with chores earlier." He turned to me and held his hand, well he didn't want to shake my hand earlier, so I just stared at it.

"I got it this time! Here." He got off his spot from the counter and dug through his pockets and handed him a quarter.

"Thanks." He walked out, leaving behind the smell of bleach.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"He charges 25 cents per disturbance. He's always saying time is money so…"

"What if I don't have change?"

"We all do, you'll get used to it later on, but basically you get a week to pay him all you owe him plus his 5 cent interest, and if you don't then the unspeakable will happen." A disgusted look came across his face, as if he was remembering a traumatic experience.

"What?" I felt like a child during a story.

"He won't clean the bathroom." He said darkly.

"Uh, that's just vile! " I know what men do to bathrooms, I've lived with boys my entire childhood, it's just revolting…no wonder he smelt like bleach.

"Well, I think he likes you, he only charged you 25 cents usually, first timers get charged a dollar, I was going to hand him more but that's all he took. He has a sister that's probably why." He mused.

"Oi, did you_" Lars came back suddenly, he stopped and stared at the box of tea, his eyes grew as large as dinner plates, then he looked to me.

"What is it?" Alfred said worriedly.

"M-my weed." He uttered lowly, shuttering.

"Pardon?" I asked.

"That's my weed." He pointed to the box.

"Weed…as in marijuana?!" I gasped.

"Why in the hell did you put it in a tea box?" Alfred asked trying to refrain from laughing.

"The state inspector was coming … I had to hide it, then I decided to quit and sell it later." He explained, picking up the box and holding it close to him like it was a hurt child, he then looking to me like I shot his dog then left. Leaving me with a laughing Alfred.


	4. Maid in Amurica

**I know this relationship is moving slowly, but these things take time. It'll move along faster next chappy.**

**TheLlamaArmada628: Y they no review no more?**

**TheLlamaArmada628's brother: Well, you have to flatter the customer.**

**TheLlamaArmada628: I LOVE YOU (Patrick eyes)...Is it working? **

**TheLlamaArmada628's brother: If it didn't then that's just embarrassing...**

**TheLlamaArmada628: O_o**

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"HAHAHAHA! Y-you drank drugs, HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I started to become concerned Alfred's face was red and he was crying, clutching his ribs.

"Breath, you git, or you'll pass out!" I said.

"Hahahaha I can't, it's too funny, you guys' faces! Hahahahahaha!" He laughed. "Ow! Ow! Ow! It hurts so baaaaad~" He whined, I took immediate action and hit him over the head. "OW! Thanks." He rubbed his ribs, and took a moment.

"That was unnatural…to say the least." I commented.

"Well you know what they say, live, laugh, love." He said suddenly, I wasn't expecting a quote from him…strange.

"Alice, Alfred, field mission, now." My brother came in and beckoned us to follow him.

"What's up?" Alfred asked after we followed Alistair into a empty classroom.

"You see, all three of these victims?"

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"What are the similarities?" He asked, they were all green eyed and blonde.

"They're all babes." Alfred said.

"Besides that."

"They're blonde and green eyed." I deadpanned.

"Yes, and of British decent, but American all the way, we need bait."

"Okay, so a blonde, green-eyed chick ,right?"

"Yep." Alistair stared at me.

"I knew there was a reason you dragged me here! I am not_"

"If you don't more will die, you're just what the perp is looking for! You're trained in self defense and plus you have Alfred here to help you. You will do this." Alistair gravely ordered, I hated that tone, he always used it with us when we were younger.

"Sure." I sighed.

"Great get dressed." He held out a modified WW2 British nurses outfit.

"I'm not wearing that!" I objected.

"They all worked at maid cafes in Japanese cartoon conventions."

"It's called anime!" Alfred interjected.

"Yeah that." He said pointing to him, in realization.

"It's too short." I stated.

"It WAS short, I had it modified to be longer. I am your brother." He said, handing it to me.

"I think you'd look cute in it." Alfred commented.

"Well I didn't ask you, did I? Give that to me." I snatched it from his hands.

"You will be working for today only, this was central's idea not mine. I promised to at least try this method, they're getting…antsy."

"Well yeah, we've been chasing this dude for like 3 months now." Alfred said uninterested.

"Well hopefully." Alistair mumbled.

Time passed and I was put to work serving couples and creepy single men. Alfred was in charge of searching the perimeter or the workplace, I would see a glance of him walking around the café windows, looking bored.

"Excuse me maam." My current customer asked.

"Yes mister?" I asked. I didn't feel the word 'master' is a word any woman should be saying to a man. So far because of my thick British accent nobody has said anything about it.

"Can I ask you something personal?" He asked, he seemed sweet.

"We're really aren't supposed to…but I suppose it would be fine, as long as it isn't THAT personal." I shrugged.

"Is your British accent real?" He whispered.

"Yes, I was born in Manchester and raised in London." I answered.

"That's so cool, I've always wanted to go there, when did you move here?" He said dreamily.

"A few weeks ago actually, family problems." I made up.

"Oh I'm sorry." He said, but he sounded as if he was apologizing for something grave. Could this be our perp?

"Hey! Hey! British maid! Make that sexy ass over here! I'm starving!" I watched two men come in, the man who called me sounded drunk and security just went on break, just my luck.

"Oh! I'll be right there, nice talking with you." I bowed slightly and made my way to the drunken guys.

"What'll you have?" I asked.

"Two strawberry shortcakes." The not drunk man said.

"And a piece of that sweet ass!" The drunk guy slurred.

"Forgive him he's an irritable drunk, but it's tradition that we stop here before the last day of the convention, so…" He said.

"As long as your friend keeps his hands to himself." I warned.

"Will do." The non drunk man said, hmmm, let's see about that.

"Alice!" I turned, it was Alfred…

"Did you find anything?" I asked.

"Nope, hey, can I get a cheesecake with strawberries?" he asked.

"Yes, of course." I nodded.

"Aren't you supposed to say 'yes, master'." He raised a brow.

"Do I look like a servant to you?" I asked.

"Uh, is this a trick question?" He stifled a laugh. He laughs too much…

"Uh! You're just like a child!" I shouted.

"Yoo-hoo! Waitress when's them fine curves gonna give me my cake?" The drunkard asked.

"In a minute mister!" I yelled over my shoulder, so far, no obvious suspects. I turned back to Alfred who wore the sexies_um I mean stupidest smirk on his face.

"I caught that, you can't get anything past this hero! Seeing truth is one of my greatest hero attributes!" he waved a finger at me.

"If you say so…" I twitched in annoyance then made my way to the kitchen, I haven't worked a job like this since secondary school.

I brought everyone their food, honesty, I don't know how I juggled this and school.

"Yo! You ready to go?" Alfred cheered.

"Yes very…" I said tiredly, I rubbed my eyes. When I opened my eyes, Alfred looked in complete shock, eyes wide, and distant. "Hey…are you okay?" I touched his arm and suddenly.

A woman screamed, we both looked to the woman who was screaming about a man choking, Alfred rushed to the choking man and suddenly I was thrown over someone's shoulder, the 'choking' man stood and shot Alfred on his way to help him, while I screamed my lungs out yelling his name.

Then, we were back in the café, Alfred was alive.

"W-wha_" I started, when a woman started to scream. When suddenly Alfred was on top of me, protectively shielding me shaking, he was sweating.

"W-what are you doing? You're causing a scene, we can slip out the kitchen" I whispered, hearing the coughing seize. "Alfred!" I shook him, but he wouldn't move. "Alfred! You git!"

"If I'm on top of you the other guy can't take you and the other guys wouldn't dare to shoot me at such a close range, cause it'd hit you, it's not the perps m.o. to hurt the victim until later." He explained quickly. "Wait! You saw that?!" he said getting up slightly.

"Of course I did! Now get off of me!" I squirmed beneath him, uh, scratch that that sounded wrong! I tried to get out from underneath him, okay?! I saw the couching man run out. "A-a;fred he's getting away!"

"Let him! Your safe, damn it! I can't lose you!" He cried. I was shocked, he looked so scared at the thought.

"You won't, I'm fine, now please." I said comfortingly.

"Get a room!" The drunkard yelled.

"Huh?" Alfred said, he looked to the man then to me underneath him, then turned red as a beet, and got off of me. "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, you were only trying to protect me." I said getting up, he looked so embarrassed, while everybody in the café laughed at him, yelling comments at him.

"PEOPLE!" I yelled. "How could you ridicule someone who had put their life on the line to protect your freedoms?! Can you not recognize a military veteran when you see one?!" I said pointing at his bomber jacket. " He was discharged on account of extreme post traumatic stress, every little noise sets him off. And you laugh at him when he gets protective of a fellow citizen, you should be ashamed! Let's go Alfred." I pulled him out of the café by the hand.

"Again, I'm sorry." He said looking down in shame, his face still red, we were at the side door of the college now, this was getting ridiculous. Not only that it had suddenly started raining, maybe he has some other power I don't know of…

"Honestly, Alfred this is the fifth time it's fine, Captain America doesn't apologize for saving people slightly late, right, you got the job done." I said letting us in.

"Yeah I guess… thanks." He said finally coming in from the rain.

"No problem." I sighed setting my keys on the counters.

"Why are you in the kitchen you limey! You'll make my food smell bad! Or did you just want to see me that badly, I've got 30 minutes until the food is done, we could (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep), my little maid." He said raising a brow to my 'work' clothes.

"Woah dude, TMI!" Alfred said.

"As if! I'd rather die!" I yelled.

At that moment a certain spiky haired co-worker walked in toilet cleaner in one hand and his other held out. Is this what life's come to? I'm so doomed.


End file.
